While some of us are blessed with a fun and festive holiday season, many of us or not. Some of us dread the holidays. Challenging relationship dynamics can spark a big blow up, or at a minimum grind on our nerves in a way that makes us feel neither merry nor bright. Gatherings with family, co-workers, or neighbors who have the ability to push our buttons can put a real damper on the holidays.

What’s a self-aware, big-hearted, peace-loving person to do?

I sat down, coach-to-coach, with Lael Petersen, Yoga Health Coach and Licensed Clinical Social Worker to get some TIPS on how to navigate relationship challenges so that you can enjoy the season and stay true to yourself. Read our informative conversation below.

Kirstin: Understanding ourselves in the context of our relationships is key to self-care. I’ve learned this in my own personal growth and in the lives of the women I coach. I know that we have the power to make changes in our relationships that support our own well-being. Do you see this in your work as a coach and therapist?  

Lael: Absolutely. In my coaching group, we’ve gotten to observe big relationship breakthroughs. Women who are committed to personal growth and self-care often find that they need to renegotiate the terms of their relationships so they can prioritize themselves. As a therapist, relationships are a central concern to many of my clients as well.

Kirstin: With the holidays upon us, and the potential for relationship challenges looms large. What do we need to understand that will help us show up more fully to events and festivities with grace and ease?

Lael: We need to understand fear. Fear makes things feel larger and scarier than they are. Fear shuts down the part of our brains that are responsible for making plans and decisions. When fear is activated, we don’t think clearly and can’t come up with options. When fear is in control, we tend to stay stuck in old patterns, and we are stuck repeating the same tensions, arguments, and hurt feelings year after year.

Kirstin: Yoga Health Coaches learn a lot about breaking old habits and patterns. What is the first thing you would tell one of your coaching clients if she was feeling the fear of a holiday-induced relationship meltdown?

Lael: Permission. You have the right to have a happy holiday. You have permission to NOT spend time with people who are challenging. You have permission to CHANGE how you spend time with the person. You have CONTROL over how you interact with the people around you.

Kirstin: Permission to put yourself first is a big growth area for a lot of us. Why is this so challenging?

Lael: Permission brings up our beliefs about what good a person, mother, or daughter would do or not do. If there is tension between who you really are, and who you believe you are supposed to be, it feels uncomfortable. It can be fear-provoking. You might feel the anxiety rising right now just talking about doing things differently.

Kirstin: Yes! I can feel a little edginess when I think about how it would feel to give myself permission to do things differently. I have pretty good relationships with most of my family, but I don’t always feel like I can totally be myself with them. What do you suggest?

Lael: I have three tips for you. First, identify your intention for the season, and keep it top of mind from now until the new year. If your intention is to make the holidays rich in experiences rather than expensive in terms of gifts, fancy dinners, travel, etc., keep that in mind when planning events and accepting or declining invitations.

Kirstin: Focusing on an intention is so important, but easy to lose track of in the frenzy of holidays. What do you suggest?

Lael: You have to keep reminding yourself! Write your intention on a post-it note and place it where you’ll see it – your bathroom mirror, the refrigerator, the dashboard of your car – so you’ll be reminded. Another way is to choose a piece of jewelry that you designate as your “intention memento.” When it catches your eye, or you feel it on your skin, take that as a cue to check in with yourself and ask if you are staying true to your intention or need to make some changes to your plans.

Kirstin: That first tip was kind of a twofer. Set an intention. Then find ways to remind yourself and check in to be sure you are making choices that align with your desires and needs. What are your other two tips?

Lael: The other two tips are about planning ahead to set yourself up for success. Use your brain in a calm state to prepare and rehearse a few one-liners that will help you change the energy and the subject when needed. For example, “Oh Mom, Let’s not go there today. Let’s just enjoy the holiday.” A one-liner like that one will allow you to change the subject without too much drama.

The other part of planning ahead is to put support in place ahead of time. Make a plan with your partner, favorite cousin, or compassionate co-worker who can provide support, distractions, or help you ease out of an uncomfortable conversation if needed.

Kirstin: Perfect. Anything else before we wrap this up?

Lael: Don’t forget to celebrate your success with a reward that will reinforce your intentions and habits for navigating relationship challenges. I don’t mean reward yourself with a cookie and a tall glass of eggnog. Text your trusted support person. Tell yourself, “good job!” and smile at your wins. You’re doing great work to create a more merry holiday, and setting the stage for healthier relationships all year long.

Let’s Review the Steps for Calm and Happy Holidays

1. Understand the Role of Fear. Fear is your inner voice alerting you to possible “danger,” such as the tension between family members or the too-high expectations you feel at work. Thank your fear for the information, and then take a couple deep breaths. Once you’re calm, make a plan for how you will respond to the challenges fear helped you identify.
2. Set an Intention. Take 30 minutes to journal about what you want to do, have, and feel this holiday season. Then write about why this is important to you. Finally, choose a word or short phrase that will remind you of this intention. Post it on your bathroom mirror so you can be reminded of it every day.
3. Plan Your One-Liners. Think about the likely interactions that may ruffle your feathers, and pick one or two one-liners that you can use when needed. It’s not crazy to practice this with your spouse or a friend so they come out naturally, even when you’re a little flustered.
4. Get Support From Trusted Friends and Family. Grab chai with a friend and talk about your intention, your one-liners, and ask for support. Make a plan to text your friend when you are feeling stressed, or for her to check in on you each week.
5. Give Yourself Permission to Have a Happy Holiday. ‘Nuff said. You deserve to be as happy as anyone else.  

My conversation with Lael reminded me of this quote: “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.”

Perhaps these words from Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh will be a starting point for your planning and intention setting. I hope you’ll use the tips Lael shared to give yourself permission to be true to yourself regardless of the relationship dynamics you’ll encounter this season. With some pre-planning and support, you can navigate relationship challenges with a sense of ease.

How will you create the holiday you truly want this year? Please tell me of your trials and successes in the comment section below. I am here for you!

Tarpana is a practice that helps to clears your ancestral karma. It is one of the practices of Ayurveda that encourage you to remove the karmic burdens you carry and free yourselves to live your lives empowered and connected to the Self: the place of expansion, bliss, and freedom at the core of your being.

When for example, your family has obsessiveness around food, this could possibly relate to a time when there was scarcity around food and your ancestors were literally starving. Have you inherited an innate fear about not having enough to eat or enough money?

My parents grew up in the depression and had to feed a lot of people on very little money. Saving money, not trusting banks, getting out of debt was not a luxury, it was drilled into our being. We started savings accounts at age nine. They passed on a deep fear around money and a feeling that there was never enough onto us. As a result, I tend to work too much and not have enough time for fun, to hang with family, or cultivate social interactions. I am work and success obsessed.

The practice of Tarpana helped me release some of my fear around money. I found that my heart became a lot lighter. I started attracting more clients and have become more easeful around enrolling my programs. That fear of not having enough has started to lift.

My teacher, Cate Stillman, recommends that you do this process quite frequently. It can be done once a year on an anniversary or birthday. If there is a lot of karma to burn, then practice tarpana once a month.

Family Puja – The Ritual

Sarita Rocco, an Ayurvedic practitioner, and yoga teacher recommends creating a Family Puja or altar. This will help you communicate with your ancestors. She suggests that we should not put any living people on this Puja. You are honoring those who have passed on. This creates more clarity in communicating with the ancestors. Add sacred objects like crystals, candles, incense, flowers to this special ancestral puja..

The Ritual

The ritual is really specific. You remember the first level of your ancestors. Perhaps it is your parents or grandparents. You then continue to go back up to seven generations. You will not have as many details or a personal relationship past your grandparents or great grandparents, but the idea is to clear patterns of behavior that have been around for many generations.

For example, perhaps there is a history of alcoholism or drug addiction that goes back several generations. Perhaps there is a history of violence (physical or mental), obesity, diabetes, cancer, eating disorders, mental illness, depression anxiety…

Committing to do the work and clearing the patterns you become the “Golden Link”, breaking the generational stream of behavior or tendencies. My fellow teacher, Rudrani Farbman, recommends doing rituals, practices and some serious self-inquiry to become this “Golden Link”. All of this work is a part of the practice of Yoga called Atma Vichara or self inquiry.

Laws of Karma

In the yoga community, we talk about cause and effect and the study of Karma. Carlos Pomeda, a Sanskrit scholar, and teacher of yoga philosophy was clear that most of us have a Facebook understanding of Karma. He explains that you constantly see on Facebook people sharing that they are not worried because the creep that left them, the idiot that cut them off in traffic, or the boss that fired them will get what is coming to them through the laws of Karma. Almost like vengeance is mine!!  

The simplistic vengeance theory is flawed. There is no one counting grace and penance in the sky keeping track on a giant abacus. However, we are accumulating the effects of our choices. If I stay up late working on this blog I will feel really tired and foggy minded tomorrow. I am borrowing on tomorrow’s energy tonight instead of getting my butt to bed to get a full night’s rest.

Right understanding says that cause and effect of karma mean that the behavior and choices we make will have an effect on our health and well being.

How to Break the Samskaras

How to break this Samskara? Samskara is a pattern of behavior that was initiated in early life that becomes automatic and unconscious. 

The Practice

Start by lighting a candle on the family puja. Then place a flower on the altar and light incense. Offer each person something they really loved, going through each generation one by one. It could be their favorite food. A traditional offering which works well if you do not know much about them is to offer them a teaspoon of milk, a teaspoon of water, and a teaspoon of black sesame seeds. After offering it to them, you eat the offering for them. 

No Judgement

Offer them appreciation and gratitude for the gift of life you received through them. Do not judge them for their behavior or choices. Forgive them for what hurt you received around them. Repeat this for each parent, grandparent and great grandparents up to seven generations.

Maya Tiwara recommends “you either carry your ancestors on your back or stand on their shoulders.” When you honor them you stand on their shoulders. When you judge them and carry a grudge about their behavior you are carrying them on your back. 

Notice What Happens

After this ceremony journal and notice, what comes up for you afterward. Keep a dream journal by your bed. Keep track of dreams especially of your ancestors. My Mom appeared in a dream filled with a delicious banquet, beautiful flowers and lots of family members all celebrating. I hadn’t dreamt of my mom in many years. I woke up and did not feel deep sadness. I felt she was there with me celebrating the abundance of love we shared in life that continues now so many years after she has left her body. Her presence was a beautiful gift from doing the Tarpana practice.  

Since doing this ceremony I have experienced a complete shift in abundance in my career. I was invited to present a couple of yoga classes on an online platform called YogaVibes, I won a trip to Antigua at a charity luncheon I attended, I started working with 6 new private clients this week. My summer retreat is almost full and we don’t leave for 2 more months. Wow!

Letting go of resentment and practicing gratitude and forgiveness really works!

I asked my ancestors to please help me release my fear about money and obsession around food and my body. Be careful what you ask for!

Support in breaking Samskaras

To get support in breaking Samskaras connect to a yoga health coach who is skilled at helping to support you in facing the patterns of behavior that keep you stuck in your life.

Yoga Health Coaches help you move through the resistance that is typically associated with our Samskaras. For instance; if you want to let go of your horrible pattern of disturbed sleep, you might need to explore some deep issues you have about not feeling safe in the world.

Through my own journey as a health coach, I am seeing so many folks being able to break bad habits of eating heavier dinners, sleeping 5 hours, waking up groggy with a migraine. They are dropping weight, feeling happier and lighter, letting go of depression and anxiety and feeling more empowered.

These kinds of shifts require us to dig deep. The practice of Tarpana may seem a bit woo woo to you!!  But if it works, woo woo for all your worth! Through this work I am really beginning to feel like the Universe is abundant and there is plenty to see me through my retirement.

If you are ready to get rid of your horrible sleep issues, anxiety, food obsession and overly critical nature that plagued your Mom her whole life, it is time to practice Tarpana.

Start with the family puja.

Be the Golden Link.

Be the Golden link so your kids and their kids will not have a deal with the shadow you have been carrying around your whole life. On the other side is light, freedom and joy.

To connect with me about my next yoga health coaching course, The Body Evolves, go to this link. To find a Yoga Health coach near you to go this link.

But what if we would dress this idea by reversing them? What a concept! 

This is my mission as a Yoga Health Coach:

And I was put on the spot in the last month.

When Your World Falls Apart

6 weeks ago I picked up the phone and got the news that my man’s brother died of heart problems. My heart started pumping. I could feel the blood flow fast through my veins and my feet leaving the ground. I gripped hard into this conscious awakening of feeling this news settling in, including both my hands on the kitchen counter. Right then I made myself two promises and focused all my energy on two foundational habits that I would stick to no matter what; eating earlier and lighter and exercising every morning.

Why?  Because I knew my man would need all the support he could get. A sick run down partner, mother for him and our children, was not going to be of any help. Being a Yoga Health Coach I knew by experience and coaching my clients through hard times these two habits would be of core help during this difficult grieving time.  

The Earlier Lighter Dinner

An earlier lighter dinner created a domino effect for me to feel into my fatigued body and mind.  This offered me permission to be in bed earlier for a deep and resourceful sleep. The more shut eye we get we build a strong immune system for the long term and short term of our well being.

A study by Janet Mulligan on sleep loss and inflammation proves the relationship between deep sleep and our immune system. Reading this article helps to understand why eating earlier and lighter optimizes sleep. With this simple practice, I knew my body would be armed and rested to defend against any immune challenges that would arise in my surrounding and changing environment.  Explaining my need for sleep to my family was now easier than ever.

Get Moving in the Morning

Have you ever noticed that when you exercise you get more energized? This is an increase in endorphin levels in the body. In effect we kind of get high.  Our cardiovascular system gets boosted which allows you to have greater endurance throughout the day.

Exercising in the morning became documented ritual for me. To help me track this daily habit beside my light switch in my room I posted Mastery Habit Tracking sheet. Every day I would check off a box when I completed this one habit. 

Each movement became so precious and became my lifeline to this divine source of energy that energized my whole being on all levels.  Movement sharpened and focused my mind to digest my own emotions and able to hold space for my family during this sad time in our lives.  During this crisis setting up my day with exercise was crucial.

Living in Crisis

NEXT: to break the news to my man. Off he went to be with his family to begin the grieving process. The full responsibility of our two children fell naturally onto me. 

I scaled down my agenda to the necessary;  teaching my yoga classes, my YHC exam, keeping up with my free talks. Canceled everything else.

One of my strengths as a mother is asking for help. It’s a community that raises a child. Right?  As one of my main family values, it’s important that I be a role model for other families to reach out in the time of need and not get burnt out. And in turn, I reached out to my community to help with babysitting and to fill my freezer with healthy foods which freed up more time for me to be where I was most needed. 

Two funerals and three weeks of traveling, my entire family fell ill with a nasty virus and was bedridden for 7 days each, one after the other, Mom to the rescue for another 2 weeks. Ouff!

Effortless and Automated

As time passed I noticed the two fundamental habits I chose were effortless and automated. Allowing me to be fully present to respond to my family’s needs and I noticed that they held the fort for the rest of my habits to fall into place.

And guess what? I haven’t been sick. Investing my time and energy towards my well-being held true, in my eyes, to my family’s actual need: to fully be present to meet their needs for their well-being.  

Have you ever caught yourself in a habit that didn’t align with your desired intention and influenced the rest of your daily routine?  

• sleep earlier but eat a big meal that keeps you awake all night
• exercise in the morning but go to bed too late the night before so you sleep in
• ___________(add your own) but don’t do it

These essential habits are also known as keystone habits. Which is in reference to stone masonry when constructing an arch way, it’s the last stone place in the middle of the arch way to hold every other stone in place.

Our habits are our daily building stones of our daily routine and are actioned out one after the other, but which one holds the fort?

I stuck with two of them and proved to me that they were strategically placed for a strong integral foundation as a mother. Which habit(s) are your Keystone habits? And WHY? Comment below I’d love to hear what keeps you strong when you need it.

Don’t Make Me Do it Mom!

One of the places I have faltered in this effort is by attempting to force the idea of a new habit on my family. Knowing that this approach does not work, how do I impart vibrant health on my spouse and children without driving them away? How do I plant the seeds for a legacy of thriving health in spite of their natural resistance to change? First, you must seek buy in from your spouse, then your younger children, and finally your teens. Having your family in on the journey requires patience, understanding, and critical thinking in creating a plan that works for each age and stage of development.

Getting buy in from a spouse is often a huge undertaking, especially when we are asking them to step outside of their comfort zone. Take YHC habit number one as an example: Earlier, lighter dinner. As Yoga Health Coaches we accept that eating your smallest meal at supper, and eating it well before bedtime, leads to strong digestive function and a better night’s sleep. But getting my husband to buy in to this concept was not easy in the beginning. We had to change our lifestyle from 7:30pm meat and potato, big event meals to 5:30pm soup and salad kind of eating. It meant getting our family home earlier, changing work schedules, doing weekend meal planning and preparation, and changing the foundational notion that dinner is the day’s main event.

Slow Down for Long Term Buy In

Changing our habit around dinner didn’t happen all at once. It’s been two years since we embarked on that journey. First, we both encountered resistance to trying something new. Next, we had scheduled activities that had to shift. Finally, our meal preparation had to change. My husband had to hear about the benefit, feel the benefit in himself, experience the ease it brought to our home, only then did he fully buy in.

Buy in can happen slowly, like this, or quickly. If there is an outcome we really want, we are more likely to change our behavior. In the example of Earlier, Light Dinner I was motivated by a desire to feel better in my digestion and to get deeper rest. Someone else may be motivated by weight loss. But what about my kids?

Why Mommy Why?

When children are little, we set their schedules. They need that. We put boundaries on lunch, dinner and desserts. On screen time and nap time. It’s easy. They expect you to provide structure, and they (generally) follow it. As children grow, they grow in their independence. Even my 7 year old needs a reason if something big is going to change. My kids might not have an option on what time dinner is served, but to change a habit they have to be invested in their own outcome. They have to have their own reason to buy in.

Wait For Dessert

In my example of ELD, the younger child is motivated by hunger. You can slowly move afternoon snacks later while slowly moving the dinner earlier. Soon, you can eliminate the snack and go straight to the meal. Perhaps they need a reason to wait. How about dessert? When dessert is paired with dinner it doesn’t defeat the purpose of ELD at all. “Wait a little longer to eat until dinner, and you may have dessert tonight.” Delayed gratification builds the efficacy of the reward. Win-win.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Young children (let’s say ages 2-10)  can be taught habit by example, also. One of the ways we nurture our health in my family is by drinking warm water first thing in the morning, which flushes our cells and helps induce a morning bowel movement. My daughter and I do this together every morning. We keep a thermos filled with warm water bedside, and when we wake we drink. It’s just what we do, like getting dressed and brushing teeth. She sees me do it, and does it too.

Easy Does It

One of the best ways we can care for our young ones is to not over schedule them and make sure they get plenty of rest. Sticking to one after school activity allows your child to count on consistent routine and to comply with his natural circadian rhythms. Increasing sleep time in winter by going to bed early and consolidating your child’s morning routine so that they can wake with the later rising sun. Make at least a couple of evenings per week quiet, family time. Have fun with cooking and cleaning together so that you have adequate snuggle-time. Having these stop-gaps built into your week is a great example of easeful living and will set the pace for your child to grow into a healthy, robust teenager.

Speaking of teens, what do you do if you are starting with an already depleted, high acheiving teenager or college student? How do you get their buy in?

Ouch! How did that happen?

Remember, buy in is entirely dependent on the level of pain associated with the problem and the level of reward associated with the solution. Most teenagers don’t have a great sense of body awareness – its developing during this time of life. We also know that teenagers don’t always have a lot of impulse control, and that they need guidance to connect cause with effect, especially where it comes to their health. If staying up until 2am has a greater reward (getting to hang with friends) than going to bed at 10 (getting a good night’s sleep) the teenager will generally choose the former each and every time!

Six Steps to Teen Buy In

If you can gently (not antagonistically or self-righteously) talk during the time when they are feeling the pain, you can introduce the choice-point, meaning the point at which they had a choice as to which “reward” their actions would lead to. For example, its Sunday afternoon after the sleepover, Your teen is exhausted but needs to study for an exam. They feel tired, mentally and physically drained, and now they are emotional over what lies ahead.

1. Ask your teen to identify how they feel. Refrain from putting words in their mouth or assuming.
2. Ask your teen to identify why they feel this way. Refrain from judgement. Let it be whatever they say it is.
3. Gently offer a right-now solution (here is some warm soup, after that why don’t you take a 45 minute nap before you study).
4. When your child is feeling better and has accomplished what they need, revisit the pain point that they identified.
5. Ask your child what other choices they could make, even at a slumber party, to feel better the next day.
6. Help your child to truly feel into their body when they are well rested, identify this reward with the action of getting adequate sleep.

Rinse and repeat. For every habit you would like to help your teen acquire, there has to be a trigger (something that makes them choose the habit) and an identifiable reward. Teens are naturally questioning and critical, (it is an important part of their brain development to think in this way!) so it is important to guide them through their own process of buy in in order to help them reap their rewards.

Start Small to Get Buy In

Acquiring vibrant-health is a journey. It is a long and winding road comprised of daily choices to make self-care my highest priority. Looking back on my self-care journey, I can see the times where I have faltered, and the times when I have really succeeded, discovering new routines and habits that work so fantastically that my sense of vibrancy and health skyrockets. Naturally, from those periods of success comes a deep desire to see my loved ones experience the same good feelings. If you are your family’s beacon of health, start small. Choose the one or two things that you think will have the greatest impact and begin to execute and exemplify the habit in your own actions. Choose baby steps for a plan of action that makes it so easy, they can’t say no. Use the suggestions in this blog to begin the process of buy in, and relax while your family members adjust in their own way. Envision the legacy of great health, and allow that legacy to unfold with care. Here’s to you – the Vibrant-Health Maker!

Annie Barrett of Olympia, WA and Jessica Graham Robinson of Lander, WY discuss how the YHC program informs their parenting, how the values of homeschooling/alternative schooling relate to yoga and how to create support systems for ourselves and our families. They also describe what a balanced family day look like in relation to the chaotic nature of most days in most busy moms’ lives.

If you’ve ever struggled with motherhood and entrepreneurship, this podcast is for you.

What you’ll get out of tuning in:

• How to be a stellar parent, teacher and business owner at the same time
• What you need to know to balance family and work life
• Why you should practice self-care as a parent

Links:

• Patty Wipler, Hand in Hand Parenting
• Waldorf

• YHC Blog: Waldorf & Ayurveda: A Daily Rhythm for Parenting Freedom, By Jessica Graham Robinson

Show Highlights:

• 10:10 Jessica discusses how the concept of pulsation relates to raising a family, running a business, having discipline and enjoying freedom
• 13:10 Jessica talks about the habits that help her balance family life and work life. Earlier lighter dinners and a morning routine (dinacharya) are keystone habits for her.
• 28:34 Annie and Jessica discuss the importance of support systems and accountability partners in being successful.

Favorite Quotes:

• “Bookends, what we do in the morning and in the evening creates a container for how the rest of the day goes.” – Annie
• “In the evening, taking the time to visualize the day ahead. What is my intention and how does it flow? Rehearsing it and having a clarity of what tomorrow is.” – Jessica
• “There are going to be days that don’t go smoothly but when we know what rhythms feel like, we know how to get back there.” – Annie
• “Find those people who are going to lift you up and raise your vibration.” – Jessica

Guest BIO